Unhinged

I'm drowning in a sea of doubt, feeling like I can't get out.

I've forgotten my old ways. I've forgotten that this is how I cope when things aren't so pretty, when I feel the slightest bit insecure. When I was with H, I could rationalize this behavior because he was just as fucked up as I am. But B is different. In fact, he's perfect. There's nothing wrong with him. He's the nicest, funniest, most loving guy that I've been with (not that my track record is long, but hey). And here I am, reverting back to feeling like shit, in a perpetual tunnel of shit. And B put me here.

We went out of town together for a day over the weekend, and during the trip, I left my phone behind. Sunday when we made plans to see each other again, actually coordinating a day rather than on the whim it usually is, we planned for today after I got out of my classes. I got back to my car, drove home to make sure he wasn't there waiting for me, and decided that I should go pick up my new phone. I told the roommate to keep an eye out for him. I get back home 30 minutes later, still no sign of him. Turn on my service, give him a call to tell him "hey! We can talk again! What a miracle!", but no answer, and not straight to voicemail. So I sent him a text just to let him know. This is at 6:30 ish. 8:00 rolls around, and I've got shit to do. Errands and what not. So I send him yet another text, should he decide to swing by, informing him I wouldn't be home. No response still. I decide after I'm done running around town, I'll go visit Mom. So we hang out for another hour and a half. Still no response. I wait until 10:00, give him another call, no answer. Nothing. Left out in most deserted recesses of his mind and virtually forgotten about. Like the shitty girlfriend I am.

Now, here I sit, 12:30 am, wallowing in my self-pity, splashing around in this huge, but lonely pity pool. Once again, I feel like I'm not good enough. I must've done something wrong, but how is that even possible? Is our sex life lacking? Is he getting off somewhere else with SOMEONE else? I'm awful. I'm shit. I should just be alone. Maybe I won't eat tomorrow.

Changes

A few new things:

My lovely ladies and I moved into our house, finally. It was a long time coming. B and I are dating exclusively, once again FINALLY. It's not like we haven't been talking for a proper year or anything. So he's my boyfriend...thing. We're seeing each other and all that jazz. And last, but most importantly, in honor of a new month, new things, and a fresh start, I'm going to try to do the ABC diet. I can never last through the whole thing, but I'm going to go as long as possible. I'm desperate to break through 120 already. I just want the skinny. Skinny for B, skinny for the clothes, skinny for me.

A song for inspiration:

Los Campesinos! - The Sea is a Good Place To Think Of the Future
I grabbed hold of her wrist and my hand closed from tip to tip I said “you’ve taken the diet too far, you have got to let it slip” But she’s not eating again, she’s not eating again, she’s not eating again, she’s not eating again.

These are(n't) a few of my Favorite Things

Is it possible to feel THIS apathetic right now? Sweet Jebus, I have no soul left. It's black like the coffee I drink and the tar I smoke.

I don't give two shits about anything right now.

Enjoy this soulless video I just made. Whoop-dee-fucking-do.

(Therapy Isn't) For the Birds

I'm an adult now. I've got my own full-time job, I live on my own, got my own car (complete with monthly payments). I'm an adult now. I'm an adult seeing a therapist for repressed childhood problems. I've decided to acknowledge the fact that I'm really not that okay. (I'm not okay.)

In all honesty, I'm an all-around together person on the surface, but the inside stuff, more like crap, is peeking out every so often. More often than it was before. So, I'm going every two weeks and unloading this motherlode of a problem, or problems, because let's be honest. There's more than one.

Today was the first appointment, establishing a foundation of the struggles I'm about to unleash on this poor little man. He's in for a story. And he likes to talk and ask questions, which may prove to be difficult for my initial plan to just word vomit everything for him.

We talked about how I repress things, how I used to be a deep-in-depression kind of child, suicidal even. "What caused that? Was it your mother's drinking?" I think so, Doc. I had it rough y'know. My only parental role model, we'll call him PJ, divorced my mom when I was 10, so that was hard. And then my actual blood-relative of a father had a transparent existence my entire life, now very much non-existant.

It's a confusing relationship with Mother. She was not there when I was younger, kicked me out at the ripe age of 17 and 18 (twice). Good thing I was going to college, I guess. She was and currently still loves the bottle, which left me to care for my brother. When was I even a kid? A true honest-to-god kid. I couldn't tell you. Now I'm her living diary; she calls me to vent about financial frustrations and how she's dirt poor broke, how she's dating a new what's-his-name every other month, how my brother is an ungrateful bastard who takes advantage of her, and how dare PJ plan to take us on a family vacation months in advance without telling her. Joint-custody, Mother. He's got the right. It's his weekend anyway. Not to mention, Mother is needy. Since she kicked out my brother at an even more ripe age of 16, she wants to talk to me all the time. "Pleeeeease come over, I miss you." Or my personal favorite, "You're the GREATEST DAUGHTER in the world. I love you! Please come visit!" No Mother, I will not. I'm seeing a therapist because of you, don'cha know. Leave me alone, please. Stop calling me. Stop texting me. I'm tired. Jesus.

And on top of all this newly awakened frustration from repressed emotions and causing a shitty day, my pants just ripped. Sweet deal.

I'll be writing more, I promise. I think I need to. I have no one to tell any of this shit to because nobody even gives a shit, "I've had it worse." Oh yeah? Oh-fucking-kay, my bad for wanting to share an actual emotion with another human being, and for hoping to connect to another living being on a deeper level. Shit. My bad.

Okay, now I'm done. (Also, I'm still fat. That hasn't changed either.)

Ooh La La, La Perle

I've found my place in life. My calling, if you will. The answer to my starving artist problems.

I just started my new job at {intimacy}, a high-end lingerie boutique. Bras are over $200 easily, but I feel like I can stay at this company for the rest of my working life. The owner has been on the Oprah Winfrey show five times, and I had dinner with her. I had dinner with her. How nuts does that sound?? Not to mention, I get a 401k...at 20. I mean seriously. Life just got a little but easier.

Speaking of easier, I'm here to do one thing, I created this blog for one main focus: dealing with my illogical ways of losing weight, obsessive calorie counting, weighing in every single morning. I have found my ana mojo again, and can I just say she is here in full swing. In less than one week, I've lost about three pounds, solely for the fact that all I do, literally, is sleep, go to school, go to work, repeat. I may eat something here or there so I don't completely crash, but I'm eating Lean Cuisines, >400 a pop. I love this job, I love this job, I love this job. Three more pounds and I'll be at 115. Three more after that and I'll be at 112, then 109, then 106...let's see how far I can take it this time. Ana, I welcome you and accept your challenges.

Oh, we also rescued a kitty. Mew mew!

The only good thing about getting your wisdom teeth removed is that you can't really eat.

I've been in bed all day. Stalking facebook, updating my Netflix queue, talking to old boyfriends...yeah. I'm so glad I have an infinite amount of time on my hands to just sit around and think about the meaning behind H's quizzical statements. I suppose I'll spend tomorrow the same; watching the tv shows I missed on Hulu this week and continuing to avoid food like the pure poison it is.

Stay golden, girls.

Wake-up!

Weigh-in.

Are you thin yet?

How many outfits did you have to try on?

How many of them made you look fat?

One of these days you’re going to wake up, your baggy sweats clinging only to your protruding

hipbones, your loose t-shirt hanging from your boney shoulders,

you’ll get on that scale and it’ll show you exactly what you want to see,

and you’ll throw on whatever the hell you want because you know it’ll look good on you.

When I look at my wrist, I see who I was a year ago. I was the girl who faked a smile day to day the girl who cut and took pills the girl who puked up her lunch in the bathroom. But then I look in the mirror and see a girl who's smiles are true and is happy. A girl who got through it all. Be strong.

I will get back here. To when I was truly happy. I love you, Ana.

Missing In Action

I know I've been gone and much needed update is long overdue (if anyone really does consistently read my blog). SO, here it goes.

I've been still struggling with losing those disgusting extra pounds, but which one of us hasn't. It's become a day-to-day thing, an internal struggle of whether or not I should eat that salad, that sandwich, that soup. But I can promise you, I'm getting there. And by New Year's for sure, I will be closer to that ultimate goal weight.

B and I are never going to be, though we never were. He officially has a girlfriend and we've lost touch. But randomly, out of the blue, he texted me tonight asking to go to coffee. I went, not knowing what to expect and it was...weird to say the least. I asked him how he's been, what's new with his life; not one mention of his girlfriend. Odd. Not quite sure of what to think of that.

Two weeks ago, I got into an argument with H. It was over something petty and I didn't really even care about the whole thing. I guess he thought he hurt my feelings because he went around to our friends saying how he "dropped bombs" and to make everyone aware that I'd be whining about how he "hurt my feelings", which wasn't the case at all. Time passes, some shit happens to him, people start walking out of his life and he realizes how much of a shitty person he's been. So much so, that he sent me an apology text saying that he hates himself everyday for everything. He even came out to visit at 3am to apologize in person. Apologizing is a lot for this guy, let me tell you. He doesn't say sorry to anyone, for anything. He said he wants to make a change in his life and me talking to him again, I can see that. He's starting to be a normal human being. He's actually growing up. I told him that if he ever needed anything, he could always call me or just come up to visit for a few hours. No strings attached, no pressure. Everyone is all concerned about him having ulterior motives of wanting to get back together or me falling for him, but I don't think I could do that. At least not now when he's so vulnerable. I just want to be his friend. I can't believe how much this has come full circle.

I've failed two of my four classes, but I think everyone has THAT semester in college where it's complete shit. I own up to it, I'm okay with that, and I'm moving on. I can't fix it now, so I have no reason to dwell on it. Mistakes happen, we're only human.

One last thing, if anyone is interested in what my daily life is like, I made a youtube channel. It's basically just me taping my roommates and friends and putting a pretty song over it with some dialog here and there, but I hold them very dear to my heart. If you want to check it out, the link is here.

I love you all, thanks for listening, on keep on with all of your strength. We WILL be skinny this holiday season.

More Inspiration:

Guys, do you realize there are only 20 DAYS until CHRISTMAS?

The “I’ll start tomorrow’s” need to start NOW. Have you binged already today? That’s shitty, but DON’T GIVE UP. Don’t say “Whatever, I’ll eat better tomorrow” and cram some more chips in your mouth, don’t promise yourself you’ll fast tomorrow and keep eating. Tomorrow comes sooner than you think, and there is NO MORE TIME to be putting this off until tomorrow.

Before you know it, you’ll be waking up at 6am, running to that tree to open those presents- how wonderful will it be to be five pounds lighter that morning than you are right now? How wonderful will it be to be given clothes, only to try them on and realize they’re TOO BIG?

It’s worth it. Being thin will last a hell of a lot longer than that 372 calorie slice of cheesecake or that 424 calorie Grande Eggnog Latte. Thin is better than that- YOU are better than that. Most people gain weight over the holiday season- guess what? We are not “most people”. We are the strong ones. We WANT this. And we will achieve it. Being thin starts now. Right this fucking second. Twenty five days, ladies. Good luck.

Let's DO this.

It's Only a Matter of Time

Before I tell someone. I need to tell someone. Anyone. But I don't want their damn help unless it's to help me be skinny again. Otherwise, I don't want your stinkin' help. At ALL.

Leave me alone. Just leave me to rot.

Inspiration

Just imagine what it would be like to wake up in the morning

perfectly empty, resting your hands on your stomach, which is caving in, tracing the outline of your hipbones, your ribs, your collarbones. The soft autumn light shining through the window, you stand up, and you feel a bit lightheaded - but that’s ok. You make yourself some fresh coffee, black, no milk, no sugar. You curl up with the news, a good book, or the laptop, and sip your hot coffee, slowly waking up. You take a hot shower, and you are not disgusted by what you see. You style your hair, moisturise, the whole lot, put on cute underwear, do your make up, grab cute, tiny clothing and don’t worry about “looking bad” because you will look fantastic, even if you wear a shapeless jumper. Just imagine how fantastic that would be, how liberating. There is only one thing you need to do: don’t eat that.

A Letter of Confession

Dear...Anyone.

I've been wanting to tell you something for a while now. We've come so close during our "life talks"; so close to me spilling my guts in front of you. All of it for you to see. I have been hiding something from you, from everyone actually, for at least five years now.

I have trouble with food. I have trouble thinking of food, eating food, throwing up food, counting the caloric content of food. Every time I eat anything, anything at all, I feel guilty afterwards. I always ask myself, "why in the hell did I just eat that?" because I wasn't even hungry in the first place. I'm never hungry. And as soon as I realize what I've done, I head to the bathroom to throw it all up. Yeah, I said it. I put my fingers down my throat and make myself throw up. That only started last year though, so I can assure you, I haven't been hiding that for too long. I feel so triumphant after, like I overpowered the food from weighing me down, another pound heavier.

Listen-I'm not telling you this because I want a sympathy vote or an intervention. I just want someone to fix me. Or at least try, just like I do for everyone else. I'm only telling you this because I needed to get it off my chest. I needed someone to tell me they know how I feel. Do you know how I feel? Do you know what it's like to be the skinniest girl in the room with the prettiest dress hanging off her lovely, fragile bones and yet, feel so comfortable and beautiful? I did. For one day. For one special party when everyone was gawking at how tiny I was. But it wasn't enough. It never is. It never, ever is.

Trust me, I know how crazy I must sound. To make all these claims and not want a single helping hand. I'll slap your hand away before reaching out for it. Trust me, I know I'm a little crazy. You can't help but admire how I've kept myself so composed with such grace. I bet you had no idea. I'm a skillful liar, weaving deception through every polite smile that says "no thank you". I know you admire that, in some sick twisted way. But let me assure you, you can't tell me that I have a problem. Right now this is the most important journey in my life, striving for perfection. Being that frail, little Che that you loved and adored so much. So cute and petite. You've put me on a pedestal, so now I'm telling you why. You loved me because I was a tiny little creature that fit so perfectly into that niche, into the space in your arms.

I will be beautiful for you again. I will be small and breakable in your hands. This is a promise I'm making to you and to myself. I will be that girl you loved.

Love,

Me.

Forever and always.

The Awful Truth

I do not deserve to eat ever, EVER again. EVER.

Let the Self-Loathing Continue...

Preface: Today I am such a fail, but I am also surprised at when I can do to myself.

I hate living with roommates, no less my friends. They always want to eat, want to go out to eat, desserts everywhere, carbs everywhere...it's a bad environment for when I'm trying to LOSE weight. Tonight, Bman said she was hungry. When she says she is hungry, I for some reason think it's okay to indulge. We just got take out from Chili's and each got our own dessert. I finished it all. Is weird that I was looking forward to this? I was looking forward to stretching my stomach to it's biggest capacity and then throwing it all up. So as soon as I was finished, I went for a shower and rid myself of all that I could. My starting weight, after the delicious food had been ingested, was 126.8 lbs. When I was done, the final weight was 123.0 lbs. It's inconceivable to me that I ate three pounds of food. THREE POUNDS. But it's gone, all gone, and I know this because it got to bile. Goodbye delicious cake, ice cream, french fries and chicken tenders. I will not miss you, but oh, how I enjoyed you.

C'mon skinny love.

Rock Bottom

I think I may be in a bit of trouble. For some reason, I haven't taken anything in the semester thus far seriously. I've opted to miss all my lecture classes because they don't take attendance. I missed my 3-D design critique on Monday. I think I've dug myself in a hole that I won't be able to climb out of. I am royally screwed. Why did I do this? I have no motivation at all, whatsoever. I am every essence of the word failure right now, and I don't know how to fix it. This may be one problem I can't talk my way out of.

Wonderment

Sometimes, I like to wonder what it's like to be hooked up to all the different tubes in the hospital. Laying there in a hospital gown, lifeless, seeing everyone cry. Who knows why I'm there. Maybe I've finally achieved my goal to being as thin as can be. Maybe I've been in a horrific accident that wasn't my fault. Maybe I have cancer. Maybe kidney failure. With all these things I wonder, I also wonder if you would be there. I know in my heart that you wouldn't. You wouldn't miss me...at all, I'm sure. But if you were there, laying in that hospital bed, hooked up to tubes and ventricles of sorts, I would be there, crying for you to come back. You really fucked everything up.

I know I talk about H all the time, like I'm not over him. I am though. I'll always love him, I just don't miss him anymore. Maybe this is why I'm so sad. Or maybe it's because I know I'm such a fat cow that I no longer feel in top shape. It's pathetic really. All of it. All of it's pathetic and I'm pathetic right now, but I don't feel bad about it. I'm allowed to feel this way. I'm allowed to feel like I'm such a fat little piggy. Because I am. I WILL change that. I have the will power deep down inside of me and the lack of hunger is only a reminder that I shouldn't be eating. And when I'm successful for fasting, I'll welcome that low growl from within because Ana has been reawakened. And I'm welcoming her with open arms.

I'm changing to spite you.

Halloween, Cupcakes, and Shame

Can I just tell you that I am not hungry. Stop bringing cupcakes especially made for me on the holidays. No more pizza, no more pretzels, no more food. NO MORE. Please. I have goals here, that I'm trying to implement. Just...no more. I hate myself.

Since it was/is Halloween, I went to Robert's for the night. Had a good laugh with a few new people, met a boy named Nathan who hopefully calls. We'll see. H wasn't there, regretfully. I was planning a full-frontal attack on him; batting my eyelashes, impressing him with witty and clever conversations, only to yank it all away from him. He wasn't there though; instead he decided to go visit a friend up north at college for the weekend out of the blue...they don't even talk anymore. So for the sake of me being a good person, I hope he's okay. But I do hope it has something to do with me. Regret, perhaps? Cross your fingers.

I'm starting a fast today, in hopes of shedding all the shame and regret of the weekend, and then some. Friday I was 100% successful in not eating a thing because I simply was not hungry. I need more of those days. Something to hope for. Once I'm at 116, I'll allow myself to go shopping for some new clothes. I'm itching for something new.

You have only let me down, but my door is always open.

Here's the Deal

I, once again, do not want to talk about how much of a failure I've been. I'm also, obviously, not doing the ABC diet. I think my body isn't ready for that much of a crash, so I'll let it down slowly. For today, I'll attempt at fasting with giant bottles of water, in hopes of making my body think that there's something in my stomach, when there's really not. I've already did my purge this morning, I couldn't resist the eggs and cheese. That's all gone now though, so let the fasting commence! I'm starting off at 119.4. Let's see how much damage control I can do.

You really are a deadbeat, like everyone told me.

--Edit--

Workout accomplished. 35m on the elliptical, 420 cals burned. I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track to fitting in my skinny jeans. TAKE. THAT.