Sometimes, I like to wonder what it's like to be hooked up to all the different tubes in the hospital. Laying there in a hospital gown, lifeless, seeing everyone cry. Who knows why I'm there. Maybe I've finally achieved my goal to being as thin as can be. Maybe I've been in a horrific accident that wasn't my fault. Maybe I have cancer. Maybe kidney failure. With all these things I wonder, I also wonder if you would be there. I know in my heart that you wouldn't. You wouldn't miss me...at all, I'm sure. But if you were there, laying in that hospital bed, hooked up to tubes and ventricles of sorts, I would be there, crying for you to come back. You really fucked everything up.
I know I talk about H all the time, like I'm not over him. I am though. I'll always love him, I just don't miss him anymore. Maybe this is why I'm so sad. Or maybe it's because I know I'm such a fat cow that I no longer feel in top shape. It's pathetic really. All of it. All of it's pathetic and I'm pathetic right now, but I don't feel bad about it. I'm allowed to feel this way. I'm allowed to feel like I'm such a fat little piggy. Because I am. I WILL change that. I have the will power deep down inside of me and the lack of hunger is only a reminder that I shouldn't be eating. And when I'm successful for fasting, I'll welcome that low growl from within because Ana has been reawakened. And I'm welcoming her with open arms.
I'm changing to spite you.
<3 Of course you're allowed to feel pathetic. I'd be a complete hypocrite if I were to try and sway you out of it.
ReplyDeleteJust know that in my eyes, you are anything but.
<3 xxx