Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Unhinged

I'm drowning in a sea of doubt, feeling like I can't get out.

I've forgotten my old ways. I've forgotten that this is how I cope when things aren't so pretty, when I feel the slightest bit insecure. When I was with H, I could rationalize this behavior because he was just as fucked up as I am. But B is different. In fact, he's perfect. There's nothing wrong with him. He's the nicest, funniest, most loving guy that I've been with (not that my track record is long, but hey). And here I am, reverting back to feeling like shit, in a perpetual tunnel of shit. And B put me here.

We went out of town together for a day over the weekend, and during the trip, I left my phone behind. Sunday when we made plans to see each other again, actually coordinating a day rather than on the whim it usually is, we planned for today after I got out of my classes. I got back to my car, drove home to make sure he wasn't there waiting for me, and decided that I should go pick up my new phone. I told the roommate to keep an eye out for him. I get back home 30 minutes later, still no sign of him. Turn on my service, give him a call to tell him "hey! We can talk again! What a miracle!", but no answer, and not straight to voicemail. So I sent him a text just to let him know. This is at 6:30 ish. 8:00 rolls around, and I've got shit to do. Errands and what not. So I send him yet another text, should he decide to swing by, informing him I wouldn't be home. No response still. I decide after I'm done running around town, I'll go visit Mom. So we hang out for another hour and a half. Still no response. I wait until 10:00, give him another call, no answer. Nothing. Left out in most deserted recesses of his mind and virtually forgotten about. Like the shitty girlfriend I am.

Now, here I sit, 12:30 am, wallowing in my self-pity, splashing around in this huge, but lonely pity pool. Once again, I feel like I'm not good enough. I must've done something wrong, but how is that even possible? Is our sex life lacking? Is he getting off somewhere else with SOMEONE else? I'm awful. I'm shit. I should just be alone. Maybe I won't eat tomorrow.

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