Wake-up!

Weigh-in.

Are you thin yet?

How many outfits did you have to try on?

How many of them made you look fat?

One of these days you’re going to wake up, your baggy sweats clinging only to your protruding

hipbones, your loose t-shirt hanging from your boney shoulders,

you’ll get on that scale and it’ll show you exactly what you want to see,

and you’ll throw on whatever the hell you want because you know it’ll look good on you.

When I look at my wrist, I see who I was a year ago. I was the girl who faked a smile day to day the girl who cut and took pills the girl who puked up her lunch in the bathroom. But then I look in the mirror and see a girl who's smiles are true and is happy. A girl who got through it all. Be strong.

I will get back here. To when I was truly happy. I love you, Ana.

Missing In Action

I know I've been gone and much needed update is long overdue (if anyone really does consistently read my blog). SO, here it goes.

I've been still struggling with losing those disgusting extra pounds, but which one of us hasn't. It's become a day-to-day thing, an internal struggle of whether or not I should eat that salad, that sandwich, that soup. But I can promise you, I'm getting there. And by New Year's for sure, I will be closer to that ultimate goal weight.

B and I are never going to be, though we never were. He officially has a girlfriend and we've lost touch. But randomly, out of the blue, he texted me tonight asking to go to coffee. I went, not knowing what to expect and it was...weird to say the least. I asked him how he's been, what's new with his life; not one mention of his girlfriend. Odd. Not quite sure of what to think of that.

Two weeks ago, I got into an argument with H. It was over something petty and I didn't really even care about the whole thing. I guess he thought he hurt my feelings because he went around to our friends saying how he "dropped bombs" and to make everyone aware that I'd be whining about how he "hurt my feelings", which wasn't the case at all. Time passes, some shit happens to him, people start walking out of his life and he realizes how much of a shitty person he's been. So much so, that he sent me an apology text saying that he hates himself everyday for everything. He even came out to visit at 3am to apologize in person. Apologizing is a lot for this guy, let me tell you. He doesn't say sorry to anyone, for anything. He said he wants to make a change in his life and me talking to him again, I can see that. He's starting to be a normal human being. He's actually growing up. I told him that if he ever needed anything, he could always call me or just come up to visit for a few hours. No strings attached, no pressure. Everyone is all concerned about him having ulterior motives of wanting to get back together or me falling for him, but I don't think I could do that. At least not now when he's so vulnerable. I just want to be his friend. I can't believe how much this has come full circle.

I've failed two of my four classes, but I think everyone has THAT semester in college where it's complete shit. I own up to it, I'm okay with that, and I'm moving on. I can't fix it now, so I have no reason to dwell on it. Mistakes happen, we're only human.

One last thing, if anyone is interested in what my daily life is like, I made a youtube channel. It's basically just me taping my roommates and friends and putting a pretty song over it with some dialog here and there, but I hold them very dear to my heart. If you want to check it out, the link is here.

I love you all, thanks for listening, on keep on with all of your strength. We WILL be skinny this holiday season.

More Inspiration:

Guys, do you realize there are only 20 DAYS until CHRISTMAS?

The “I’ll start tomorrow’s” need to start NOW. Have you binged already today? That’s shitty, but DON’T GIVE UP. Don’t say “Whatever, I’ll eat better tomorrow” and cram some more chips in your mouth, don’t promise yourself you’ll fast tomorrow and keep eating. Tomorrow comes sooner than you think, and there is NO MORE TIME to be putting this off until tomorrow.

Before you know it, you’ll be waking up at 6am, running to that tree to open those presents- how wonderful will it be to be five pounds lighter that morning than you are right now? How wonderful will it be to be given clothes, only to try them on and realize they’re TOO BIG?

It’s worth it. Being thin will last a hell of a lot longer than that 372 calorie slice of cheesecake or that 424 calorie Grande Eggnog Latte. Thin is better than that- YOU are better than that. Most people gain weight over the holiday season- guess what? We are not “most people”. We are the strong ones. We WANT this. And we will achieve it. Being thin starts now. Right this fucking second. Twenty five days, ladies. Good luck.

Let's DO this.

It's Only a Matter of Time

Before I tell someone. I need to tell someone. Anyone. But I don't want their damn help unless it's to help me be skinny again. Otherwise, I don't want your stinkin' help. At ALL.

Leave me alone. Just leave me to rot.

Inspiration

Just imagine what it would be like to wake up in the morning

perfectly empty, resting your hands on your stomach, which is caving in, tracing the outline of your hipbones, your ribs, your collarbones. The soft autumn light shining through the window, you stand up, and you feel a bit lightheaded - but that’s ok. You make yourself some fresh coffee, black, no milk, no sugar. You curl up with the news, a good book, or the laptop, and sip your hot coffee, slowly waking up. You take a hot shower, and you are not disgusted by what you see. You style your hair, moisturise, the whole lot, put on cute underwear, do your make up, grab cute, tiny clothing and don’t worry about “looking bad” because you will look fantastic, even if you wear a shapeless jumper. Just imagine how fantastic that would be, how liberating. There is only one thing you need to do: don’t eat that.

A Letter of Confession

Dear...Anyone.

I've been wanting to tell you something for a while now. We've come so close during our "life talks"; so close to me spilling my guts in front of you. All of it for you to see. I have been hiding something from you, from everyone actually, for at least five years now.

I have trouble with food. I have trouble thinking of food, eating food, throwing up food, counting the caloric content of food. Every time I eat anything, anything at all, I feel guilty afterwards. I always ask myself, "why in the hell did I just eat that?" because I wasn't even hungry in the first place. I'm never hungry. And as soon as I realize what I've done, I head to the bathroom to throw it all up. Yeah, I said it. I put my fingers down my throat and make myself throw up. That only started last year though, so I can assure you, I haven't been hiding that for too long. I feel so triumphant after, like I overpowered the food from weighing me down, another pound heavier.

Listen-I'm not telling you this because I want a sympathy vote or an intervention. I just want someone to fix me. Or at least try, just like I do for everyone else. I'm only telling you this because I needed to get it off my chest. I needed someone to tell me they know how I feel. Do you know how I feel? Do you know what it's like to be the skinniest girl in the room with the prettiest dress hanging off her lovely, fragile bones and yet, feel so comfortable and beautiful? I did. For one day. For one special party when everyone was gawking at how tiny I was. But it wasn't enough. It never is. It never, ever is.

Trust me, I know how crazy I must sound. To make all these claims and not want a single helping hand. I'll slap your hand away before reaching out for it. Trust me, I know I'm a little crazy. You can't help but admire how I've kept myself so composed with such grace. I bet you had no idea. I'm a skillful liar, weaving deception through every polite smile that says "no thank you". I know you admire that, in some sick twisted way. But let me assure you, you can't tell me that I have a problem. Right now this is the most important journey in my life, striving for perfection. Being that frail, little Che that you loved and adored so much. So cute and petite. You've put me on a pedestal, so now I'm telling you why. You loved me because I was a tiny little creature that fit so perfectly into that niche, into the space in your arms.

I will be beautiful for you again. I will be small and breakable in your hands. This is a promise I'm making to you and to myself. I will be that girl you loved.

Love,

Me.

Forever and always.