While visiting my ill-stricken grandmother today, I was speaking with one of her friends who was helping her around the house. The topic was sewing and making clothing. She was going into the use of patterns and what not for skirts and blouses and says, "For example, if you were to make a skirt for yourself, say (she pauses to estimate my size) a six, you would need to use an eight." She thinks I'm a fucking size SIX...I'm a size two.

My collarbones are slowly being covered by fat. My pelvic bones are no longer jutting out. My thighs touch ever so slightly. No wonder H (the boyfriend) is being weird. I bet he's turned off. I bet I repulse him. Tomorrow I shall fast. Fastfastfast.

Is anybody listening?

Food Monster

You know what I ate last night? Two big macs, an apple pie, two sweet rolls, three pieces of my brother's personal cheese pizza, and four triple chocolate chip cookies. I couldn't tell you what possessed me to do this, but on the drive home from work I really wanted that special sauce and those sesame seed buns. This being the morning after, I have not purged it. I feel awful in two ways: one being that I'm a god damn vegetarian and I ate two burgers. It's the sauce...it makes me crazy. Second reason for feeling awful is that I didn't purge those two nasty burgers (along with every other nasty wretched thing I ingested). I can just feel my thighs and my belly getting fatter. I have no self-control.

I've woken up feeling full. Again. I feel awful, and full of unwanted food from last night. I was only able to get rid of half of what I ate, how horrid. The pasta is like a huge stone weighing me down. Today I will not eat. I can't seem to rid myself of what I binge on anymore, so I have to quit with the b/p. I hate this, feeling six pounds heavier than a week ago. I hate this.

They're on to me.

The restroom is messy, the toilet bowl specifically. There's splashes over here, remnants over there, a suspicious smell that hangs in the air. I've been in there at least three times today alone, with the shower on, repeatedly "taking showers". In total, I have eaten two bowls of vanilla ice cream, one of which was topped with Chips Ahoy cookies. I've had two cheesy-scrambled-egg sandwiches on buttered wheat toast. I've had milk and cookies, you guessed it, twice. I had a chicken sandwich with loads of ketchup. Barbecue chips and corn chips. A banana, strawberries and blackberries. All of this accompanied with countless glasses of water.

After I've eaten so much I can't stand without a sharp pain shooting through my stomach, I make my way to my royal throne. The endless cups of water make it easier for it to all come up. I step on the scale, wipe the toilet bowl clean and flush.