Halloween, Cupcakes, and Shame

Can I just tell you that I am not hungry. Stop bringing cupcakes especially made for me on the holidays. No more pizza, no more pretzels, no more food. NO MORE. Please. I have goals here, that I'm trying to implement. Just...no more. I hate myself.

Since it was/is Halloween, I went to Robert's for the night. Had a good laugh with a few new people, met a boy named Nathan who hopefully calls. We'll see. H wasn't there, regretfully. I was planning a full-frontal attack on him; batting my eyelashes, impressing him with witty and clever conversations, only to yank it all away from him. He wasn't there though; instead he decided to go visit a friend up north at college for the weekend out of the blue...they don't even talk anymore. So for the sake of me being a good person, I hope he's okay. But I do hope it has something to do with me. Regret, perhaps? Cross your fingers.

I'm starting a fast today, in hopes of shedding all the shame and regret of the weekend, and then some. Friday I was 100% successful in not eating a thing because I simply was not hungry. I need more of those days. Something to hope for. Once I'm at 116, I'll allow myself to go shopping for some new clothes. I'm itching for something new.

You have only let me down, but my door is always open.

Here's the Deal

I, once again, do not want to talk about how much of a failure I've been. I'm also, obviously, not doing the ABC diet. I think my body isn't ready for that much of a crash, so I'll let it down slowly. For today, I'll attempt at fasting with giant bottles of water, in hopes of making my body think that there's something in my stomach, when there's really not. I've already did my purge this morning, I couldn't resist the eggs and cheese. That's all gone now though, so let the fasting commence! I'm starting off at 119.4. Let's see how much damage control I can do.

You really are a deadbeat, like everyone told me.

--Edit--

Workout accomplished. 35m on the elliptical, 420 cals burned. I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track to fitting in my skinny jeans. TAKE. THAT.

The Last Few Days...

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

That said, today is my 400 day, and I'm starting out with a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast (100). I have work for five hours today, that will get me through lunch, so long as I leave my wallet in the car and don't go get it to buy horrid mall food with. And I need to start going to the gym or riding my bike to school, one of the two. I need to get serious about this. I feel like I'm in such a bad place. I feel like I'm where I was exactly a year ago, just 10 lbs lighter. But it sure as hell doesn't feel like it.

Damage Control

After the shenanigans of yesterday, I was scared to even step foot on the scale this morning. BUT, it's actually not so bad; a grand total of 120.2. I mean, I'm still a fat cow, but with the past few days of feeling exponentially fatter, I thought I was doomed. That being said, I'm not going to re-do yesterday, I'll just carry on as planned. Today I have work from 3pm-9pm, which will take up most of my day. I just need to keep my 500 limit in mind so I don't wander down into the food court and get something utterly repulsive for nourishment.

500 TODAY:

Morning:

-1cup of Chai tea with Soy Milk = est. 170 cals

Afternoon:

-1 English Muffin = 170 cals

-Spinach salad with tomato, onion, balsamic vinegrette = est. 200 cals

A New Season Means CHANGE

I'm not too sure exactly when I spiraled into an eating frenzy. I've been reading around, checking out everyone's blogs and I realized that I'm not happy the way I am. Where did I get that mentality? When did it become okay to eat later that 6pm and devour and entire pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream? Or all the fried food, the carbs, the disgusting-ness.

So, because my jeans certainly don't fit anymore the way they should, I decided I'm going to do the ABC thing again. Or attempt, at least. And I'm starting today. This shit can't wait until the start of a new week, hell-to-the-no. This is just NOT OKAY.

500 TODAY:

This morning:

-1Cup of chai tea with almond milk = est. 165cals

---EDIT---

Fuuuuuuuck my life. I forgot my mother was coming to visit and that we were going to lunch. At a pasta joint. With bread. And sauce. And more carbs. Dear god, why is this my life. Needless to say, today is busted. I probably ate about 900-1000 cals while at lunch. Fuuuuuuuck my life. I guess I start tomorrow?

Closing the Door

I picked out a '70s band tee-shirt and a black mini skirt to show off my curves. The leather pumps made my legs look skinnier than ever. I looked hot, and I knew it. I was going to flounce around right in front of you and be perfectly fine. And I was. I AM. At the end of the night when everyone was going home, I lingered near you. I needed to say something, needed to clear the air. You were smoking a Marlboro Red, the same ones you got me hooked on. I turned to you, making eye contact with you for the first time the whole night. "So...can we be good?" I shrugged my shoulders and you nodded in agreement. I put my hand out towards you, offering up a truce, forgetting everything that happened between us. You took my hand and shook it, shaking our past into oblivion where it belonged, like nothing ever happened. It was over. "Good," I said. "I'll see you at the next party." I smiled fondly at you, as a friend should and you looked relieved.

It was all finally over.

Infinite Maybes

There's a party Friday. You will be there. The anxiety from the thought of me seeing you is killing my appetite. I will be skinny for you by Friday. Maybe I can win you back. If I can look good enough to show you what you're missing out on, maybe you'll come back. Maybe we can work things out. Maybe we could be great together, like we used to be. I can't pretend that I didn't know you, that you don't exist; that you don't know every quirk about me, and that I don't know you the same way.

I still love you, you know.

Still feeling rather fat since I gained back what I lost. I'm such a fat failure. Today I didn't eat anything but a muffin and danish (I know that's still horrid). It was midday though, so there was plenty of time to burn it off. And instead of going out with the girls for gelato after work like I had planned, I ate a stalk of celery. It even tastes like negative calories, which tastes like success. So there. I'm going to bed with a grumbling tummy and smelling of cigarettes. I will not eat like a fat pig anymore. There's no room in my jeans for that type of behavior.

I will not think of you, I will not think of you, I will not think of you.